A Not So Perfect Prayer Request

As B and I drove home from our weekend full of appointments in Dallas, we had one of our frequent discussions about religion. This discussion got me thinking. As a health care provider you see a lot, sometimes too much. Especially in pediatrics, you see things many people will go without seeing their whole life. Some may call this unfair, but I call it a gift. 

There was a reason I chose the profession I did. I connect with people, especially the little ones, which is why I chose pediatrics over adult care. I empathize on a level I believe most people cannot (but most health professionals can). Being able to provide care, in many cases, this being the worst circumstance in their life. Whether they chose or didnt choose me as their provider for these next 12 hours, I feel priveleged. In pediatric patients, most times, they don't understand what's happening, why its happening, and why them. I answer many questions during the day but this last one always gets me and is not necessarily my strength when it comes to nursing. I'm that nurse you see walking down the hallway with the most ridiculously biggest smile on her face. I try to keep the mood light and encourage and motivate not only my patients but also my coworkers. But I have my days. Why them? Why them, God? You hear "everything happens for a reason" but why children? Why so many? We have an entire floor, an entire hospital, devoted to children. All sick. All suffering. And I see that every day at work. Every week.

So I excuse myself to have a sob session in the bathroom. To let my body catch up with everything going on in my mind. Say a prayer for my patients and all sick patients. And although I can leave work, I don't leave those memories behind. I make memories with every child, every parent, every family member that is under my care. I beat myself up that tonight I can eat my dinner, through my mouth, and taste the food. I can sleep 8 hours with no pain in my limbs, with no monitors beeping, and know I won't be poked for a lab draw at 4 am. 

Many nurses say to just forget it, go on with your day. Do your job. Take care of those that need us. And move on. This is heard for me to do. I make relationships. Families depend on me. I try my hardest to go above and beyond. Make memories. Provide excellent care. I find it hard to just "move on"

So I'll write. Therapy. I have my doubts. But who doesn't right? It's my own walk with God and right now, today, I'm struggling. Not to say I don't believe but just trying to get through my own questions in my head. 

So after this gush of information I thought of in the car I felt The arms wrap around me. My head go over The right shoulder and, Embrace. Is this all in my head? Could be. But at this moment I couldn't fall if I tried. And when I finally feel at peace I get a pat on the back "you'll be fine Lauren", my body, or my body's Creator tells myself. And I open my eyes, and immediately the song Open the Eyes to my Heart Lord begins in my head. I notice the sunset and remind myself, "if there wasn't a God, no sunset could look like that". 

So I decided to focus on today. Taking the wedding at a steady pace. Going on a Facebook vacation for this week and focusing on what really matters. A relationship with The Lord, me, myself, and I. And maybe, just maybe I will receive some insight into my own questions and be able to feel at peace when I leave those precious souls at the end of a workday. 

What helps you to feel at peace? Do you repeat a mantra? Pray for your patients? Move on? Let me know. And I could use a prayer to. If you have an extra minute. I could really use one today. I appreciate you :)

This is my obsession

Getting a dog is by far one of the best decisions B and I have made so far, besides the proposal obviously ;). Sperry is one of the worlds greatest greeters. In fact he takes it on as a profession while we're at Petsmart, sitting at the front of the store greeting other dogs as they come in to shop. The other day I came home while B was out. We've been leaving Sperry out for a few hours at a time so he can get used to being on his own in the house all while obeying the rules. I walked in the door and he was laying on his pillow, really gettin at his toy. Enjoying it so much that he did a double take when I walked in the house. He was so surprise, and excited to see me. His oh so pointy ears slick all the way back and his super fluffy tail goin 90 to nothin as he grips one of my legs with both of his in a nice tight hug. 

I've really gotten used to him laying in the bathroom as I shower. It's a protective thing in my prospective. I love havin my boy in my presence just as much as he loves me in his. Today as I was taking a shower. I look out of the curtain to make sure he was there. He was. In the middle of the floor asleep. Sweet boy. He loves his momma. When I turned the water off and opened the curtain, this is how I found him. 

He still thinks he's a small pup. So much in fact, that he thought he could take up a little of the bath mat, leaving some room for me to dry my feet. Our definitions of "some room" are obviously different. 

He is ornery the majority of the time and I diagnosed him with a psychosocial disorder with a serious attention seeking behavior. The other day, B came home from work to find him like this

Find all the things wrong with this picture. Green ball in his water bowl, the turf potty may ripped to pieces, the towel from the oven on the floor, his friends Squirrel, Fox, and Bear whom apparently escaped from the scene. And Sperrys innocent look on his face, priceless. 

He loves riding in the car. Finding all the cute ways to pose while mom takes pictures. 

I love my boy. I really do. I'm glad we got a "big" dog. And giggle to myself whenever I see a tiny dog. We think of him as a person. He talks, and has such a personality. We love him to death. Can you imagine us when we have kids? These posts might get annoying real quit. Thanks for staying tuned until the end, all two of you out there :)