I'm going to focus on one thing in particular, because I promised myself that when it happened, I would write the details. Not the gruesome details, but more the emotional details. And that is my miscarriage.
Typing that word is almost embarrassing. And that bothers me. Why does it have to be embarrassing? It really is such a "hush hush" topic. But I love talking about it because it happens way more often than you think, and women AND men need to be aware of this. So please if you have a question whether this "really happened" to me or anything else. Come to me. Not my friends, not my family, but me. It puts those people in an awkward situation to answer questions. And I find out about the calls, texts, and Facebook messages that you send to my loved ones. Just go straight to the source, weren't you always taught that?
Let's start way back when. I've always wanted to be a mom. I believe I was put on this earth to be a mom. And I've thought that for a long time. I've wanted 5 children, and have since I was 7 years old. That being said, everyone knew this. Before the wedding we would often tell our friends "we're not necessarily going to 'try' but we're not technically preventing". So everyone knew it was a possibility. And we frequently got the question after the honeymoon was over, "ARE YOU PREGNANT YET?" I knew the answer, even before we left St. Lucia, that I was. And took pregnancy tests for the next 2 weeks to confirm. I finally got my positive. We had our honeymoon baby. I was ecstatic! I bought a pair of baby Sperry topsiders, and wrote the following poem in a special card for Brice:
One year from now, they will be here for your welcome home greet.
One Sperry will no longer do, so here's a pair for their baby feet!
Of course, Brice had a fabulous reaction, caught on video. We were so happy. This was a moment that I had been waiting for my whole life. We decided to keep the secret and tell our family on Father's Day. Less than a handful of people knew, including Brice and myself. At the time, we were living in a small 960 sq. ft. apartment with our large dog. I loved my job, but wasn't happy in the hospital that I worked in. Any and all can guess my feelings on living in San Antonio. We had a lot to think about, and a lot to do about it. We decided to start looking for jobs in Dallas and houses to buy. If that didn't work out we were going to have to commit to San Antonio and buy a home for our growing family. I finally heard back for a job at Dallas Childrens and Cook Childrens. Both interviews were in the same week. I had trouble sleeping, with constipation, gas, and peeing frequently. I wrote off the cramps that Friday morning based on those frequent occurrences, and went interview clothes shopping with a close friend who wasn't aware of our news yet. I called my friend, one of my only friends who I had shared my baby news with. She had recently had a baby and I knew she could relate to everything I was going through. She told me I needed to slow down and rest. I paid no attention and continued on with my busy day. I was going to a work event to bowl with my work family. Brice met me there. I decided to lay low and not bowl, instead I sat and socialized and drank lots of water. My frequent bathroom trips continued at the bowling alley where I noticed my first spot of blood. It made me nervous and the more often I went to the bathroom, the more nervous I got.
I got emotional on the way home. The second I got home, I called the doctor. Of course because it was a Friday night, the office was closed. The on call doctor was supposed to call me back. Those few minutes felt like hours waiting for a phone call. Brice and I prepared to go to the hospital. When the doctor called back, it wasn't my doctor, but another nice physician who was appropriate and understanding. He confirmed my symptoms and let me know that if the symptoms get worse, this could definitely be a miscarriage but because I was so early in my pregnancy, there was nothing he could do about it. My body should do what it was supposed to do at home. And so we waited.
Some of the best marital advice we received when we first got married was "God doesn't wait to test your vows". And that He didn't. Brice could not have proved his vows any better in that weekend. He was (and is) the best partner I could have prayed for. He went to the store and stocked up on pads and gatorade, no questions asked. It didn't take long for my uterus to start contracting. This was labor without the gift from God that most mothers receive at the end of labor. On Sunday, Mother's Day, we decided we were emotionally stable enough to call our parents to tell them. What an ironic Mother's Day. On Monday, Brice accompanied me to my OB appointment where they confirmed the miscarriage. Watching the ultrasound move over my uterus with nothing inside. Heartbreak.
In an earlier post on the blog, before we were moving, I shared that this was time we grew closer to God. There is nothing "right" to say to a woman going through a miscarriage. But the hardest thing was when people said "it was meant to be". This was something I knew but had to find out on my own. I prayed every day and filled my spare time with Christian music. I remember driving that week and hearing the song that literally got me through this hard time. Laura Story's "Blessings":
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I frequently recommend it to friends going through similar situations.
I continued on with my interviews that week. I called (who does that?) to confirm my interview time with both hospitals. Car packed, 5 minutes from leaving to Dallas, I received a call back from Dallas Childrens thanking me for calling to confirm because they actually no longer needed the position filled due to changes in their staffing schedule. Fate. Cook Childrens confirmed my interview. I successfully completed my interview and was offered a position. Life moved quickly over the next few months.
When people say the first year of marriage is the hardest, they weren't kidding! We went through probably too much change at one time. We got married, pregnant, miscarried, both of us changed jobs, moved cities, bought a home, and I moved to night shift all within 3 months. We've recovered (all except the night shift). I love working for Cook Childrens, it is a fabulous hospital and such a different experience from a for-profit hospital. We're so glad Brice is back at Halliburton. He carpools with his best man every morning and is a lot more stress-free compared to San Antonio. We love living in Fort Worth. I say it is just like a San Antonio, country and cowboy, but close to Dallas <3. We have found our home church which was a stressful search in Oklahoma and in San Antonio. We love our home. Brice (and I?) stay busy, constantly making renovations. Night shift is still driving me crazy. My body will never understand, and neither will my sleep schedule.
Life has finally settled down. Or has it?
I am almost 15 weeks pregnant with our baby to be born in July <3 Our rainbow after a storm. Our little miracle. My original due date was July 11, Brice's birthday, but after my ultrasound they moved my due date to July 20. Brice checks the mail everyday after work so I wrote a poem for Brice, put it in the mailbox, and started the camera:
Seven Eleven is a gas station up the street
And also the day for your birthday treat
But this July 11th will be extra sweet
For this day will be the due date for some tiny baby feet!
We are seriously so excited. We told our families on Christmas, with their gift, a pack-and-play (or playpen for you old folks :)) video reaction included! And walked in the my extended family's Christmas party with my "Baby bump's first Christmas" shirt on. So much fun! Some of my favorite reactions include my cousin's son, a high five with "way to go" and one of my best friends from high school crying over lunch. Totally unexpected.
On somewhat of a pessimistic point of view, I have waited to spread the news until now for many reasons. I read this article last night about pregnancy after miscarriage and couldn't agree more. Literally every word. Obviously waiting until 12 weeks to tell anyone for the "safe zone". My first trimester I suffered quite the morning sickness but I told Brice I felt honored to be so sick because it just confirms the baby is alive (hormones and all) inside of me. Also, do you know how liberating it feels to have a secret that Facebook is unaware about? To be able to experience (my favorite) pure reactions? Priceless. I am also uneasy about my coworkers knowing. In fear that things will be said that will hurt my feelings. Too often, before I was pregnant with this child, I would get the lectures about waiting to have children, "life will never be the same" followed by negative examples of children screaming, no sleep, unhappy marriages, etc. Also things like "you're just bitchy because you're pregnant" or "I'm sure it was Lauren that forgot, she's got the pregnancy brain". Surprisingly I've had a fabulous response at work (besides the fact that 100 other people are pregnant in my unit...but really, like close to 30). Some people just get their nose too deep in other people's business. For this reason, we will most likely not share the gender or name (which we don't know either right now) with anyone until the baby is born to steer clear from "oh I knew a child with that name who always had a snotty face", "that is an old lady name", "oh man you're having a boy! I'm sorry boys are just stinky and gross", etc. Just keep your opinions to yourself. We really couldn't be happier, and I don't want anyone to ruin this happy time in our lives.
Happy Friday y'all! Enjoy this
beautiful weather! I know my little family will be :)
